Choices

On Saturday afternoon, I did something quite extraordinary: sat in bed and listened, really listened, to the entire Metropolitan Opera broadcast of John Adams's amazing "Dr. Atomic." This is his telling of the first atomic test, and of J. Robert Oppenheimer's role, and anguish, about his role in the development of the A-bomb.

I wasn't at all sure that I could listen. I don't like Adams's earlier opera, "Nixon in China," and (like most people, I imagine), I've never sat down and listened to an entire opera broadcast. But "Dr. Atomic" is wonderful, and this was also a trial for something I plan to do a lot of in the months ahead--really listen to music. In fact, as I type, Nate is assembling my new Bose Wave radio/CD changer.

And it also seemed important that I think about the people--from Marie Curie to the citizens of Hiroshima and Nagasaki to, yes, me, who have or will succumb to various kinds of radiation. And to think about choice. Because even though Oppenheimer questioned whether he had a choice about working on the bomb, of course he did. We all do.

Tomorrow I will choose between the only alternatives I have left, as far as the cancer is concerned: begin a course of irinotecan, the only chemo for stomach cancer that I haven't tried, or do nothing. There are many problems with the drug: it's the one that's very likely to cause diahrrea; they could only give me a 50% dose; it has a 15-20% chance of working; even if it worked, it would give me only a few months.... Of course, the alternative--do nothing--likely means dying in very few months.

Tomorrow I will see Dr. Holen nd once again talk about this choice. (We, with Nate, also discussed this last Thursday.) Because I know a lot of you will not want to wait a week to hear my decision, I'll post an update tomorrow afternoon.

As Oppenheimer knew, choice is difficult. But it's also important, and good.

Ironically, my appointment with Dr. Holen is scheduled at the exact time of Barack Obama's inauguration. We all made a very good choice!

Travel

This past week, I discovered a new way of thinking about my health: assessing my desire to get out of town! Last October, when I was having a lot of trouble breathing, and more trouble than I now have just talking--when I was spending so much time in various clinics that I felt like a professional patient--I decided that leaving Madison for a few days a month was really essential. It made me feel much better to be someplace where I had no doctors' appointments, and where I could at least pretend that I was "normal," not a sickie. So I plotted my escapes, and made them--to DC and Boston, Zion National Park and Los Angeles, the Virgin Islands, Arizona....

But this past week, when I was thinking about another trip east in early April, I realized I'd done enough traveling. The trips themselves have all been great, but each one requires at least a few days of getting ready to go and then catching up on mail, email, errands, etc. when I get back. And I realized that I've been out of town at least five days a month every month since August. (And although I think I was here most of July, I know I was gone for at least five days each last June, May, April....) When I added all that time up, combined with the preparation and catching up times, and took into account the four days/month I'm pretty much out of commission because of chemotherapy, it suddenly became clear why I never get anything accomplished around here! And as my energy slowly returns, I really do have the desire to accomplish something (though I couldn't say what, other than organizing some files and writing some dates in photo albums) rather than be on perpetual vacation! So I take it as a sign of good health that I don't want to go anywhere, at least until the end of May, when Robin Chapman and I will be teaching our class at The Clearing in Door County.

Of course, it could just be a sign that winter seems to be losing its relentless grip, and the temperatures in Madison this week are predicted to go into the high 30s, and maybe even 40s!

And on March 21, after my next CT scan, Dr. Holen and I will figure out if I can take a vacation from chemo this summer, and when-- and you may be sure that if I'm let off of that tether, I won't be hanging around here for the entire time!

In the meantime, I'm happy just to stay in Madison and watch the snow and ice gradually disappear.