Dragons

I was trying to decide how to title this post, which--as you'll see--is about a variety of things: a chemo vacation, anxiety, anger, (lack of) control. And about dragon boats, too. So I decided to call it "dragons," and as I typed that into the title box, I realized how apt a title it is for a chronic disease, which drags on, and on, and (hopefully) on.... And which is, or can be, a drag on energy, spirit, etc.

So "dragons" it is.

Last Thursday I saw Dr. Holen, my oncologist, for what we both hope will be the last time until September. I have one more chemo treatment (on June 19), and then I'm on vacation from treatment for the rest of the summer--unless something comes up before then. Dr. Holen warned, "You must be very vigilant about your health." And of course it was last summer, when I was on vacation from chemo, that the tumor attacked my vagus nerve and my voice began to disappear.

I was pretty anxious, going in to the appointment. What if the doctor discovered something going on when he listened to my lungs? What if he ordered a CT scan (which he'd mentioned last time I saw him), and it showed the tumors growing? It seemed entirely possible that all my plans for a summer of fun (including several trips with friends and family) would have to be scrapped.

But they weren't. In fact, Dr. Holen suggested that the next CT scan be in September, rather than this month, precisely because if something nasty showed up, they'd have to treat it, and if it showed up now, that would screw up my summer. Sometimes it's better not to know.... even (or especially) if you're a doctor!

A day or two after this appointment, I had a dream that revealed to me how angry I am at the cancer and my inability to take control of it and banish it from my life. In the dream, I was furious, screaming at the symbolic stand-in for the cancer, "You are so selfish; you don't take my needs into consideration, it's all about you, you, you." Oddly, until this dream, I never realized I was angry about being sick. Sad, yes, but not angry.

But the dream also pointed out that I can (and do) still control some aspects of my life, however small--in the dream, I went to a diner for breakfast when I was hungry because I'd had to rush out of the house without eating--and that means quite a lot. It's really important to do what one can, when one has the ability. Ultimately, none of us is going to be able to walk away from all the dragons!

In fact, this past week I took a big step toward a dragon--a dragon boat, that is. I went to my first training session for the Dragon Boat regatta that will take place on Lake Superior on August 23. (A dragon boat is an elaborately decorated huge canoe-type boat, that holds a crew of about 20 paddlers. The first, and maybe only, one I ever saw was poking around the Capetown, South Africa, harbor, but I think the sport is growing rapidly in popularity, world-wide. The Superior regatta attracts a hundred boats.) I will be part of TeamSurvivor's crew--TeamSurvivor is a group of Madison-area women cancer survivors who do a variety of physical activities through the year. The dragon boat program, which is generously supported by Rutabaga, a local paddle sports shop, involves weekly paddling sessions on the Yahara River. Right now, until our very own dragon boat is completed in mid-July, we train in Moby, a white war canoe on loan from Carl's Paddling (another local shop) that holds about 10-12 paddlers. I was afraid that I wouldn't have the stamina, upper body strength, or aerobic capacity necessary to paddle, and I was delighted to discover that none of that was a problem. And it certainly would have been, six months ago. So all the strength training I've been doing at the gym is really paying off! And I can't wait for the next training session, this Wednesday. It's really wonderful to be out on the water in the early evening.

As for the tumor dragons--I'll just have to trust I can fend them off for another two or three months. Right now, I definitely feel strong enough!